It's been awhile since the last time I posted but I'm now just a few short days away from being 9 months pregnant with our 5th little blessing. It's a GIRL!! 2 boys and 2 girls. How did I ever get so blessed?! We'll be naming her Emma although if you had asked me just a few days I would have told you Hannah. We seriously just changed our unborn daughters name after several months of calling her Hannah and having everyone we know informed of our name choice. Here's how that happened.
Sunday September 5th we were at church in the middle of worship and the Lord kept showing me the name Emmanuel but shortening it to Emma. At 1st I shrug it off, but for those of you out there who know Jesus you know how that went LOL! Again and again it kept happening I told him that we loved the name Emma but we had chosen Hannah, and if what he is showing me is what he wants us to name our, his, little girl then he is going to have to confirm it with my husband. So I whisper to my husband about what's happening and ask him to pray on it. Church ends and we're driving home and he tells me that he prayed on it and was getting weak in the knees and he too was positive that that is what God had intended her name to be. He said that he had thought about Hannah's name not being "right" for her prior to this as well and this just confirms it! So then we Google the meaning of Emma and it's biblical roots and wouldn't you know it, the meaning is "whole, complete, and healer" all which are so significant to us after losing our last baby and "feminine version for Emmanuel". I guess that sums it up, that's all we needed to know, God changed our little girls name LOL. But one things for sure, I couldn't be happier with the name especially with having the Lord name our child! We truly are blessed!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
God Leaves more then he takes.
So I am now 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant and at 7 weeks 2 days I get to have my Ultra sound. I am so anxious to get there and see my little one on the screen with a little heartbeat blinking away. At least I am praying that that is going to be the outcome.
Just last August my husband and I found out we were unexpectedly going to have baby #4! Although I was shocked my husband was elated. And I too very quickly fell in love with not only the idea of being pregnant again but with the beautiful little one growing inside of me. I felt great, had no signs of issues until September 21st when my husband and I decided we were going to go out on a date night. My in laws were here visiting from West Palm and they stayed with our 3 children while the hubby and I went to a comedy show and dinner. We had a fantastic night goofing around, taking pictures enjoying one another. Then that night after we got home, I was getting ready for bed. I went the bathroom only to discover I had been slightly bleeding. I was a little freaked out but with my 2 prior pregnancies I spotted at 12 and 13 weeks and both pregnancies were healthy and lead to my beautiful babies in my arms. So there was the mother in me who wanted to figure out what was wrong and then there was the rational side of me who was saying It's OK we've done this before. I told my husband what was going on and he agreed that it wasn't anything to worry about since I had that happen prior so we decided to pray on it and then go to sleep knowing that it was in the Lords hands.
The next morning was Sunday and the spotting continued so I called my midwife and she told me there was nothing that she could do to stop the bleeding but she wanted me to rest and take it easy all day, drink a lot of fluid and if the bleeding got really heavy and I was in a lot of pain then call her back and go to the hospital. Until then I had to wait until Monday to schedule an Ultra Sound. So Sunday continued with on and off bleeding and finally at the end of the night the bleeding picked up and the cramping began. I then knew that this was NOT like it had been the last 2 times.
Monday morning came and I hesitated before using the bathroom. I finally got up the courage and sure enough the bleeding was worse. I held back the tears as I prepared for a shower. My husband popped his head in to check on me and saw my face, he knew it wasn't good. I knew it wasn't good but all we could do was pray. He held me so tightly before I got in the shower and just whispered "I love you" in my ear. But that just made me cry because I couldn't help but feel like I was letting him down, this baby had made him so happy, he had wanted another for the longest time and I was the one who made him wait. And now that I finally was pregnant and it wasn't planned I felt like I was not doing everything I could to hold that baby inside my womb. I felt so helpless and all I wanted to do was tell him how sorry I was. After the shower I called my midwife and she told me to make an Ultra sound appointment. So i did and then I had to wait until that time came. It was torture, I just wanted it to be 1:00 and be on the ultra sound table looking at a healthy 10 week baby bouncing around in my womb and hearing that all was ok, the bleeding was normal and I should go home and take it easy. I know now that it was the mommy in me trying to convince myself that I wasn't losing my 4th little blessing, I was pretending that I was over reacting and that I would be breathing a sigh of relief in no time. Unfortunately that was far from what the outcome would be.
1:00 came and I was sitting at the the Ultra sound place waiting and waiting and waiting. It took what seemed like hours for them to call me back. I finally heard my name called and I realized that this was it I was going to know if there was actually life inside of me or if I was going to be saying goodbye to my little baby for good. The tech asked me if I was sure of my dates as she scanned my belly and I said "Yes 100%" so then she told me that she'd need to do a trans-vaginal ultra sound and I had to use the bathroom, empty my bladder and remove the bottom part of my clothes and come out wrapped in a sheet. I warned her I was bleeding and she told me it was fine. That was the 1st time that I started to feel vulnerable over the process, for some reason that bleeding was very personal for me and I just didn't feel comfortable letting her see my failure, my failure to protect my baby and allow it to grow fully in my womb. That bleeding was not something I wanted anyone to see. But that wasn't an option I had to be vulnerable and allow her to see that shameful part of me, if I wanted to know what was going on. The whole time she kept the screen turned. This was the first time out of all the many ultra sounds that I've had done during pregnancies that I wasn't allowed to look at the screen. She couldn't tell me anything no matter how nicely I asked and she couldn't show me anything but I wasn't naive to the process, I knew what she was looking for. I had done this so many time just never for this reason. I knew that when she held the wand still and turned the sound on that I should have heard a heart beat and instead I heard whimpering only to realize it was me, crying with out even realizing it, I knew at that moment, with out denial that my baby was gone and I couldn't do anything about it. I was no longer pregnant, I was officially having a miscarriage and as I laid there on that table bleeding and vulnerable I prayed that the Lord would kiss my baby for me and that he would help me to get through this pain because I didn't know how to do it on my own. The rest of the ultra sound was a blur. I just remember her telling me that it was done and as she removed the wand from inside my womb she saw it and said "Oh yes you are still bleeding quiet a bit." I looked at her and shook my head. All I wanted to do was go home but I couldn't they had to review the ultra sound with the Dr and so they had me wait even more in the waiting room. Once again I sat there going over and over what I was going to be told and how I was going to tell my husband all the while completely breaking down inside. Finally the tech came out and said I could leave and I should be hearing from my midwife soon. That was a long car ride home. I don't know what I thought about I really don't even remember driving I just know that everything was different in that one moment everything had changed.
Once I was home my friend was there waiting for me, she had been watching my children for me and I was so happy to have someone there to talk to, even though I didn't really know what to talk about because I couldn't really process what was happening yet. I knew what was going on but I still couldn't believe that this was actually happening to me. It's amazing how your mind tries to stop pain from continuing. Soon after being home I talked to my midwife and she said that either my dates were wrong or the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. Because I was supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant and the baby was so tiny and they couldn't detect a heart beat. I told her I was positive of my dates and so she told me that it was going to be hard but my body would start to fully miscarry soon and that I was to keep in contact with her through out the whole process. She was so sweet and so caring I know it's not easy for her to have to tell people that news and I just thank God that she is the person she is because I found comfort in her voice even if it was telling me something I didn't want to hear.
I hung up the phone and broke down hard. I called my husband and believe it or not I have not a clue as to what I said or how he responded, once again it's amazing what the brain does to stop pain from continuing. About an hour later it all began I started to really miscarry. The physical pain matched the emotional pain and I knew this was going to be a test of strength and faith. But with tons of prayer, not only our own but by others we got through it. My husband and I grew even closer and I learned to lean on the Lord in a whole new way.
Since then God has really given me peace and comfort over losing our 4th little baby. We will never forget what we went through but we aren't hurting over it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I cried while writing this but it wasn't the same crying that I did while going through it. I know God doesn't take more then what he leaves and he has left us with so much. 6 months ago we were losing a baby and now, today, I am counting down until I get to see our newest little one on an Ultra Sound. One that I am excited to have done, One where I'll get to see the screen and hear the heartbeat. I know how blessed we are and I am so thankful for everything God has given us, even if he had to take it before we were able to see it. I know where my baby is and I'm OK with that. Thank you God for my babies, all of them!
Just last August my husband and I found out we were unexpectedly going to have baby #4! Although I was shocked my husband was elated. And I too very quickly fell in love with not only the idea of being pregnant again but with the beautiful little one growing inside of me. I felt great, had no signs of issues until September 21st when my husband and I decided we were going to go out on a date night. My in laws were here visiting from West Palm and they stayed with our 3 children while the hubby and I went to a comedy show and dinner. We had a fantastic night goofing around, taking pictures enjoying one another. Then that night after we got home, I was getting ready for bed. I went the bathroom only to discover I had been slightly bleeding. I was a little freaked out but with my 2 prior pregnancies I spotted at 12 and 13 weeks and both pregnancies were healthy and lead to my beautiful babies in my arms. So there was the mother in me who wanted to figure out what was wrong and then there was the rational side of me who was saying It's OK we've done this before. I told my husband what was going on and he agreed that it wasn't anything to worry about since I had that happen prior so we decided to pray on it and then go to sleep knowing that it was in the Lords hands.
The next morning was Sunday and the spotting continued so I called my midwife and she told me there was nothing that she could do to stop the bleeding but she wanted me to rest and take it easy all day, drink a lot of fluid and if the bleeding got really heavy and I was in a lot of pain then call her back and go to the hospital. Until then I had to wait until Monday to schedule an Ultra Sound. So Sunday continued with on and off bleeding and finally at the end of the night the bleeding picked up and the cramping began. I then knew that this was NOT like it had been the last 2 times.
Monday morning came and I hesitated before using the bathroom. I finally got up the courage and sure enough the bleeding was worse. I held back the tears as I prepared for a shower. My husband popped his head in to check on me and saw my face, he knew it wasn't good. I knew it wasn't good but all we could do was pray. He held me so tightly before I got in the shower and just whispered "I love you" in my ear. But that just made me cry because I couldn't help but feel like I was letting him down, this baby had made him so happy, he had wanted another for the longest time and I was the one who made him wait. And now that I finally was pregnant and it wasn't planned I felt like I was not doing everything I could to hold that baby inside my womb. I felt so helpless and all I wanted to do was tell him how sorry I was. After the shower I called my midwife and she told me to make an Ultra sound appointment. So i did and then I had to wait until that time came. It was torture, I just wanted it to be 1:00 and be on the ultra sound table looking at a healthy 10 week baby bouncing around in my womb and hearing that all was ok, the bleeding was normal and I should go home and take it easy. I know now that it was the mommy in me trying to convince myself that I wasn't losing my 4th little blessing, I was pretending that I was over reacting and that I would be breathing a sigh of relief in no time. Unfortunately that was far from what the outcome would be.
1:00 came and I was sitting at the the Ultra sound place waiting and waiting and waiting. It took what seemed like hours for them to call me back. I finally heard my name called and I realized that this was it I was going to know if there was actually life inside of me or if I was going to be saying goodbye to my little baby for good. The tech asked me if I was sure of my dates as she scanned my belly and I said "Yes 100%" so then she told me that she'd need to do a trans-vaginal ultra sound and I had to use the bathroom, empty my bladder and remove the bottom part of my clothes and come out wrapped in a sheet. I warned her I was bleeding and she told me it was fine. That was the 1st time that I started to feel vulnerable over the process, for some reason that bleeding was very personal for me and I just didn't feel comfortable letting her see my failure, my failure to protect my baby and allow it to grow fully in my womb. That bleeding was not something I wanted anyone to see. But that wasn't an option I had to be vulnerable and allow her to see that shameful part of me, if I wanted to know what was going on. The whole time she kept the screen turned. This was the first time out of all the many ultra sounds that I've had done during pregnancies that I wasn't allowed to look at the screen. She couldn't tell me anything no matter how nicely I asked and she couldn't show me anything but I wasn't naive to the process, I knew what she was looking for. I had done this so many time just never for this reason. I knew that when she held the wand still and turned the sound on that I should have heard a heart beat and instead I heard whimpering only to realize it was me, crying with out even realizing it, I knew at that moment, with out denial that my baby was gone and I couldn't do anything about it. I was no longer pregnant, I was officially having a miscarriage and as I laid there on that table bleeding and vulnerable I prayed that the Lord would kiss my baby for me and that he would help me to get through this pain because I didn't know how to do it on my own. The rest of the ultra sound was a blur. I just remember her telling me that it was done and as she removed the wand from inside my womb she saw it and said "Oh yes you are still bleeding quiet a bit." I looked at her and shook my head. All I wanted to do was go home but I couldn't they had to review the ultra sound with the Dr and so they had me wait even more in the waiting room. Once again I sat there going over and over what I was going to be told and how I was going to tell my husband all the while completely breaking down inside. Finally the tech came out and said I could leave and I should be hearing from my midwife soon. That was a long car ride home. I don't know what I thought about I really don't even remember driving I just know that everything was different in that one moment everything had changed.
Once I was home my friend was there waiting for me, she had been watching my children for me and I was so happy to have someone there to talk to, even though I didn't really know what to talk about because I couldn't really process what was happening yet. I knew what was going on but I still couldn't believe that this was actually happening to me. It's amazing how your mind tries to stop pain from continuing. Soon after being home I talked to my midwife and she said that either my dates were wrong or the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. Because I was supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant and the baby was so tiny and they couldn't detect a heart beat. I told her I was positive of my dates and so she told me that it was going to be hard but my body would start to fully miscarry soon and that I was to keep in contact with her through out the whole process. She was so sweet and so caring I know it's not easy for her to have to tell people that news and I just thank God that she is the person she is because I found comfort in her voice even if it was telling me something I didn't want to hear.
I hung up the phone and broke down hard. I called my husband and believe it or not I have not a clue as to what I said or how he responded, once again it's amazing what the brain does to stop pain from continuing. About an hour later it all began I started to really miscarry. The physical pain matched the emotional pain and I knew this was going to be a test of strength and faith. But with tons of prayer, not only our own but by others we got through it. My husband and I grew even closer and I learned to lean on the Lord in a whole new way.
Since then God has really given me peace and comfort over losing our 4th little baby. We will never forget what we went through but we aren't hurting over it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I cried while writing this but it wasn't the same crying that I did while going through it. I know God doesn't take more then what he leaves and he has left us with so much. 6 months ago we were losing a baby and now, today, I am counting down until I get to see our newest little one on an Ultra Sound. One that I am excited to have done, One where I'll get to see the screen and hear the heartbeat. I know how blessed we are and I am so thankful for everything God has given us, even if he had to take it before we were able to see it. I know where my baby is and I'm OK with that. Thank you God for my babies, all of them!
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